People Pleaser

12:45 AM

  • Do you smile very often even though your heart is aching?
  • Do you feel like you are sacrificing yourself for other?
  • Are you afraid to say no or refuse things you actually don't want?
  • Are you always say that you are okay when people asked how are you?
  • Are you confuse about your true passion and desire?
  • Are you afraid to accept gifts? feel bad when being praised or have something nice said to you and feel like it doesn't matter?
  • A lot of people like you, only one don't and you stress that so much?and you feel like you are the one who is wrong because he/she didn't like you?
  • Are you afraid to say what you want and need easily and thinking about what you already give to them?
  • Do you feel guilty when putting your self first and do/get things you really love?
  • Do you often feel like you aren't worthy & meaningless?
  • Do you afraid and depend on people opinion so much?
  • Do you stress how you look so much and spend so many energy maintaining your image?

If you say yes on most questions, most likely you are people pleaser like me. You saw yourself from how people see you and treated you, and not as who you really are, you don't see yourself as God see you and that will lead us to depression,stagnation & unhappiness.

This is was a slice of my journal I wrote to our amazing Parents, God, about me being people pleaser as long as I can remember,  and I posted it & add some writing for those who might be benefit from it. 

Dear God, Now I realize all my life i've been feeding my addiction to follow all people demands around me,
burn my energy to do things for people, labelling it as 'helping people' but actually that was only a mask. 
And actually I did that because i am addicted to the feelings i get/they're giving me when i please them,
I get many things from pleasing them
but giving too much in the process too,

In the process I lost my true identity and my true passion and desire,
and I ended up getting very tired,because the demand never stop coming,
I also feeling used, purposeless & unhappy, because I already trashed my own passion and treated it like its not important and put other people demand as a number one urgent matter that I need to do,
its show me how I see my self lower and less important than other people
and how terrified I am at losing people approval and validation.

But i am now in the point where i am feeling very tired and not wanting to feed my addiction to please people anymore, I feel if I continue doing this I will be very unhappy, tired and destruct my own physical body further ( I already lost 2 of my important body organs because of this & not planning in losing anything else anymore)  & soul as well as other people that I bribe to avoid my fear, because actually when i please them I wasn't sincere, I am expecting something back from them that make me feel good to cover the truth that i don't feel good inside..basically I am using them and expect them to make me feel safe, away from my fear,it was for my own benefit and I didn't do it sincerely because i love them, care about them or wanting to help them but I did it to avoid their anger or disappointment, and to get their approval.

by pleasing people i am managing my fear of:

  • being attacked & punished when not doing what people wants 
  • being left behind/abandoned & pushed away
  • being isolated
  • not having people love me
  • not having people like me
  • not having people giving me attention
  • not having people giving me approval, validation, acknowledgement
  • not having people taking care of me
  • not having people giving me money
  • not having people giving me foods & things i need to survive
  • not having people nurture me
  • not having people accompanying me when i am alone
  • not having people protecting me from harm, physical attacked, specially sexual attack from man
  • not having people want me in their life
  • not having people listen to me and giving me nice, warm and fuzzy feelings
  • not having people make me feel like i am important/worthy to them

as I reread all my fear, I found that most of them are actually very distorted & all of them all the fear of a little child, scared of not being attack/not loved by their caretaker and though now I am big enough to take care & protect myself, I am still believe on that wrong things because the emotion of terror still frozen and existed within my soul.

All this time i keep pleasing people and work my ass out to feed people demands and expectation because i thought thats the only way i can get their love, i was so afraid of not having someone love me enough to pay attention of what i need and giving me attention when i am still dependent of them,
and i was that afraid because my birth human mum left me and my birth human dad ignore me most of the time, and my caretaker love were very conditional,
'as long as I am good and follow what she want'

I was trained to be people pleaser through how my care taker treated me,
that somehow I am only matter and 'visible' to them if I am being that nice and useful,by being kind, beautiful girl with smiley face, that always 'obedient' and do as I requested, never to trigger their anger, because when I make them  angry thats it,
they will just pull their love & attention at me and stop 'love' me as punishment.
And thats how I learnt all that false believe that i am unlovable, unworthy when I am being myself and i need to prove my worth by doing all the 'good thing' to meet the expectations of people around me, thats why I keep working so hard to respond my environment demand, doing & giving them what I thought might please them so they give me love and attention I want.
but I am so glad God since I met  Divine Truth teaching by Jesus & Mary, I learnt that all my fear existed because I believe in the wrong things, that I haven't learn the truth about God and true love, the truth that I am actually perfectly loved & wanted & nurtured & protected by You, my true parents, and the reason why I am in pain is because I still live within my fear, holding on my old trauma, and bottled up all my sadness that come from my early childhood experience.  And I thank You also for showing me the way, that when I am being humble to experience my fear & sadness suppressed in my soul for years and just surrender & grieve, all the trauma, instead of being resentful & blaming people or covering my pain with addiction, all my fear & false believe will be released from my soul, and I can connect with You again and also connect with people,my family,  my brother & sister in more sincere & loving way. 
All those bad feelings that I wasn't unwanted was an error and false believe planted in my soul by people who really is also clueless about true love and abused formerly when they were a child but haven't deal with their trauma.

It's been already 3 years now since I am praying for God love, God truth about my soul condition & everything in the universe, as well processing my emotions:releasing my pain, It was quite a journey, its like climbing a mountain, fell into the deepest cliff to find unimaginably beautiful flowers field and then trapped inside darkest cave to find a beautiful sunset in the most amazing beach. The Way wasn't easy and I often get lost and feel like giving up, I often thought that accessing my old suppressed grieve wasn't a great Idea, the pain is too much and and it feels like never ending, I want to go back to my old life when I can get nice feelings and 'happiness' from people, things or substances. I once blame God and Jesus for inventing such as 'horrible' way to reunite with Him and true happiness, at that time I want them to just do it for me and take my pain magically & instantly like miracle. But now I understand that it can be that way, because God will never override our freewill and He wasn't the one who created all the pain, but human choice to hurt and our choice to suppressed it and as long as we want to choose to hold on the pain, He can't take it out and He already did all He can on his part to motivate us to release our pain. And once we come to Him and ask Him to help us release our pain, He will help us certainly.  

So I am gladly here standing as myself God, I'm on my way retiring my dull job as people pleaser and on my way to lessening my expectation of love from people around me, working on one addiction at a time, less dependant to people more depending to You.  I know now that I don't need to please anyone in order to be love.
People who love me will always love me no matter what I do,
and they will continue support me doing my passion & desire, and there is nothing I need to do for them that I don't feel like doing for them willingly, I can be me, express how I truly feel & do what I really love and say no to what I don't want and when I am embracing my true passion & desire, keep aligning my desire with Your Love , I will always be, safe, loved & happy because Your Love and angels always around me. Its still a long journey ahead, still got a lot issue need to be resolved & false believe to unlearn & emotion to be release until the day I am reunited with You again, still have so many thing to learn about love, You, people and universe, but I am excited!

My hope & prayer for all my friend is so you can feel how much loved You are, and see the truth of your current conditions, released all your pain & false believe so you can get in touch with your true passion & desire and connect to God, and love and be loved unconditionally..

with love,

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