Finding My Self Back With Social Media Detox

2:39 AM

Early January 2018, I sat on Starbucks Ubud, sipping on my soy latte with cinnamon powder on top of its fluffy foam while working on design for my client with my friend Mon sitting next to me. I noticed she opened a video player window, her Macbook displayed a black screen that suddenly cracked and a title 'Black Mirror' appeared.

The nosy me, peeked on her screen and asked, 
" What is that?"

"I don't know..", Mon said. 
"Vini watched it and recommended it to me, she always make a good movie recommendation" she continued. One.

" Ooh". I just oh-ed her.
 I have design to wrapped up so I moved on, back to my design stuff.

A week after that I had a conversation my friend who travels to Ubud from New York with some of his friend in a coffee shop, in the middle of the convo, they started to talk about people who can upload their memories into a tiny device and one of them said, " just like Black Mirror isn't it?" .Two.

Monday I went to my part time office place and asked my working pal, Giks,
" Have you watched Black Mirror?"
" Yes! it's so cool!". Three.

Curious, later that week I started to download the whole series and start watching,
Episode 1 season 1 on my first night. 

Sex with piggy scene definitely triggered my emotions of sexual shame. 
I felt gross, yuck and tense. I need to do some diaphragm breathing after watched that episode before sleeping to release some emotions and physical body tension. But at the same time I think it's genius!

Black Mirror Opening Screen
I watched the episode 2 the next day, felt tight feeling in my chest in some part, felt anger ( when the girl who sang a beautiful song in a  X-Factor-like show were asked to be a porn star instead ) and felt hopeless when the main guy end up being a speaker on his own program. ( Please watch it yourself if you confused, It's highly recommended )

I start to think, is it how my future will be? living life with eyes glued to screen, whether it's Smartphone, TV, Laptop, or other high-tech devices with 'black screen'.

Will I bend or completely abandoning my real passion because of social pressure and because I'm so needy of social approval and afraid of saying NO to social demand just like that singer girl who turn into porn star because of people told her that it's what people want to see?

Or even worst, will I lost the chance to see all the natural beauty on Planet Earth and end up with 'animation of nature' displayed on the screen instead of real tree and meadow out of my house window? plus witnessing more animals species going to extinction and have robots replacing their job in ecosystem.

NOOOOO! It's sounds like a perfect nightmare. 

And I am so afraid that it might happening for real if we as a human race keep continue living in denial, in our fake happy state life with social media as it's center and neglecting real connection with people, animals, nature, even ourselves and also God: whom I believe the ultimate source of happiness and security is not even in the page for some people. 

I'm feeling terrified, anxious, stimulated, inspired and slapped by this series.

In the following week I watched more episodes and wrap all the on going season within 10 days, here is list of my episodes in the series that triggered me the most which make them my favourites : 
  • Fifteen Millions Merits
  • Shut Up and Dance
  • Hated in The Nations
  • Nose Dive
  • Hang The DJ
  • Crocodile
  • Arkangel
If you haven't watched this series guys, I highly recommend them!

Back to the topic again, watching Black Mirror triggered the birth of The Ultimate Questions in my mind that I need to ask to myself and contemplate :

1. How real the connection I have with people around me?
2. How happy am I actually?
3. How sad am I actually?
4. How I really feel about myself inside?
5. How satisfy am I with my life?
6. What is my real condition?what problem am I avoiding?
7. What do I really want to do?
8. What is it that I actually need to do now instead of scrolling on my social media feeds?

overall, WHAT IS IT REALLY GOING ON IN MY LIFE? behind the story I told myself and all the pictures I shared to people.

At that point I'm aware that I use social media a LOT. 
Instagram and Facebook is my favourite.
I spend a lot of time scrolling feeds everyday, partly I use it to find creative inspiration but often to avoid feeling bored, giving away likes, posting pictures that I will check again often throughout the day to see how many likes or loves I got. 

I feel anxious if I have little likes and proud if I have plenty. I even secretly automatically judge people  in my mind from how many followers they had, straightaway think that they are cool and superior if they have plenty and feeling a rush of satisfaction when my new friend have less followers or likes than me, because it means that I am better than her. Feeling bad when I saw pictures of my exes with their new girls, feeling jealous when my friend travels to the place I want to be, feeling I'm not as cool as them, feeling sucks and incapable, feeling like a loser compared to some of the well groomed celebgram with perfect body and fashionable clothes from head to toes, NO!

This is not the person I want to become. This is not a life I want to continue lives on.
And I worry if I'm actually the narcissist that people talked about. And I'm afraid to find the truth that I'm probably am. Plus I'm sick and tired scrolling all the post, I felt so disconnected from real life, and I don't feel happy doing it anymore, plus seeing people selfie, i felt sick of it. No intention of hurting anyone, it's just my emotion, that's how I really felt.

I also consider that probably, I just being a jealous judgmental bitch, but my consciousness reassure me that, it is actually an addiction that brought make me feel horrible feelings I've been consuming them too much to avoid facing my real life and refusing to use my time in a more positive direction. I am slowly become a narcissist - part of this egocentric generation with world revolve around my social media account, an approval addicts that depend so much on people opinion, with no real sense of worth inside. 

They sound really bad and I need to do something about it, at least for myself.

So hoping to have a healthier state of mind, emotional wellbeing, more freedom and joy in my heart, I decided to delete the instagram, facebook and ugh, tinder apps from my phone and try to live without them for at least a month. 

I hold my breath as I hold their icons until the X button appear and touched them.


1st Phase. AVOIDANCE
Right after I deleted Instagram & Facebook, I'm actually feel freaked out because I notice that I'm actually alone. Away from anyone. In the middle of rice field. With 2 cute dogs, 
that's not even helping.
I wrote how I feel and whatever popped up in my mind. But then I felt too much.
I tried to distract myself from the loneliness by cleaning up the whole house, but soon I'm tired and I feel alone again. So I try messaging my close friend in whatsapp, I messaged my mum. But I can't continue chatting all days. I have stuff to do and I have to let them do their stuff too.  I went to my partime job in Ubud downtown and met my colleagues, but its only 2 days a week, my close friend went to her hometown for Christmas. I'm feeling alone but I dont want to feel it. I feel emptiness in under my chest above my stomach ( solar plexus chakra if you're into that stuff ) so I decide to fill it with bread, foods and Cheetos. Giks said it's called eating away your emotions.
I ate MSG and carbs so much until one day i have sore throat and feeling so bloated.
I'm aware that I'm just avoiding my emotions again. The Emotions inside of me that I avoid all this time by using social media as a distraction! Then I guess, if i love myself and want to feel better, i really have to stop doing that.

tantrum illustration
source : Pixaba
Next Phase. TANTRUM
One day I felt so sick to go out of my house and I just feel like lying down in bed whole day. So I just breath and feel and its just horrible.  I breath for probably 10 minutes that feel like forever then I told God, why I'm feeling so shit while actually my life now is not that bad. What is it God? what is it that make me feel so shit and lonely and so disconnected? by this time, since I've been coached and read so many books and listen so many videos about healing, I know that my childhood trauma play a big role and my parents did a poor job raising me and I have sexual abuse history that probably cause a brain and soul damage in me. But I worked it out, I feel like I've been working hard to heal myself from all that crap for 3 years now, why I still have shit? There I complain to God on why I can have my life perfectly line up together and why I can't just be happy and feel secure.

I allow myself to hit pillows, scream and growl and write shit down. ( A lot of F*** words include )
After few hours I fell asleep in tears and wake up. A messages dropped in my head from wherever it came for. But I feel God is smiling and telling me, " Hey, I love you kiddo.., You've been working hard but it's only 3 year after 27 year you live in denial, surppresing your emotions & avoiding your soul wounds, you're still on the way, and it's okay to be imperfect, you won't be there forever "

Illustration : Gave Up - Allow - Let Go
Next Phase. GAVE UP
After accepting that i'm a work in progress, and assuring myself that I'm loved by God as who I am now, I gave up trying to do anything and just let my sadness wash over me, the feeling of loneliness, unsupported, abandoned, hopelessness and desperation. It just very sad to feel alone without anyone actually understanding and accept me as who I am. I cried for hours, start in my bathroom when I take a bath until fall asleep in bed.

Learn More - source : Pixabay
Next Phase. LEARN MORE
Post releasing my grief of being alone. I felt mucho lighter and better. I listened more into my favourite audio cast from Divine Truth. Their newest talks is about Forgiveness & Repentance. They talked about the the true cause of emotional and physical pain = our refusal to forgive others who harm us and to repent from things we did that harm others. The pain is also result of our refusal to love others or to accept love from others. I spent time listening more and contemplate about that. Their teaching resonate with my feelings and I can belief what they say its true. Means, if I still feel pain, there is someone that I havent forgive fully and there is something I do that hurts others that I need to stop doing that I need to look at and change.

Letting go of my distraction and addictions is like opening my birthday gift wrapper. Only this time what I find is not a cute gift but piles of problems. Which is crap. But in another side is Good. Because now I can start finding a solutions to my problems. And I want to find the roots of the problems to remove it once for all. Not just temporarily fixing it with a quick fix.
So i tried to do the work, sorting my problems and listing it on my journal, here is a peek:

1. Relationship: with God, my romantic partner a.k.a my soulmate, opposite gender, and family
2. Financial: fear of risk, lack of income, reckless spending habits
3. Work: stay in comfort zone, lack of action, refusing to grow, refuse to challenge myself and don't want to feel the anxiousness of learning something new
4. Passion: postponing action, fear of failure, fear of rejected
5. Confidence: lack of confidence, lack of self worth, negative thinking towards myself and self
attack, false belief about myself 
6. Health & Physical : Overeat carbs and sugar, lack of exercise, lack of attention and caring towards my physical body organs

After I know what is going wrong now I need to go find why it become the problem in the first place, what events that create my problem, who taught me to attack myself, what makes me over spend, I try to find the actual events, people or belief that create my problem, and acknowledge it and feel the emotions attached to the events, whether its fear, anger, shame or sadness

After find the emotions attached to my problem and release it ( how to do it is another story that i learn from my coaching session and 3 year study), I stop doing thing that bring negative impact to  my life, like comparing myself, attacking myself, over use social media, overeat, run into any addictions, and if I fail, I remind myself to not judging me and just start again. I also start doing things that can have positive impact to my life

Since I don't have social media to upload and report what i do and show it to people and getting loves, likes or feedback in return, I have nothing to worry. Now I can take my time doing what I love and feel no urges to rush the completion just so I can post my artwork. I paint what I want not what I think people want and take as much time as I want to craft it just the way I like it. I then realise what i really want to do if I don't have people around me. Something I will do even though I don't get people approval. I shut down of what people said about me doing things I want. Someone in my past told me that I was too fat to be a dancer. Others told me its wasting time to sing. I imagine myself as a little child and I allow this girl to do what she love and support her in every way I can. Physically, emotionally, financially. I will allow her to make mistake she needs and to fail and explore. I went for a salsa and bachata class, I dance. I hire a vocal coach, I sing. I played guitar. I write. I paint and I love every second doing it.

I went through all this phase not one after another but randomly scattered and I'm still on my way. I'm aware that I still have a lot of work to do. And God always provide a room for improvement.

But most importantly I learn to focus on myself, my own life and solving my own problem and not comparing my journey with other people, because it is a big distraction that make me stuck.

I also learn to have compassion towards myself, love myself where I am and being the most supportive, understanding and loving buddies I ever need.

I also learn to trust God and have faith in His way of teaching me

I also learn to not use social media addictively, using it to show fake happiness, avoid my loneliness, insecurity, my low self worth or other problem, but to go find the problem within me and solve it from the core

I learn to appreciate my true friends, who being my true support system. My inner circle. People who show up for me whether is offline or online. 

My conclusion is that social media and technology, just like any other invention in our world is just a neutral tools, that can be use positively and have positive impact and can be use negatively and have negative impact. I just need to have the wisdom to differentiate between both and choose the positive one.

It's almost a month by the time I wrote this blogpost without social media and I'm alive. 
Feel fresher, free, hopeful & grateful. 

I know now that I don't need social media to avoid my problem to prove my worth or validate my happiness. I don't need it to avoid my loneliness. I was lonely because I'm disconnected from God and my soulmate in some way, and I need to work that out. 
But I know that I can use social media to share what i love, to the people who want to know me and care about me, I can use it to spread my ideas and share my passion, my song, my artwork and connect to my old and new friends wherever they are.

It's been a month full of blessing and I can't be more thankful for all the things I learn.
My opinion, social media detox is a great practice that can benefit everyone in todays world.
I hope we all can be less fake happy and be really true to ourselves, whether you are happy or sad or mad. Because from my experience, faking things is tiring and nothing better than being our true self.

I found out that it's so much better to be true, work hard on fixing problem and be truly relieved and happy once I solve the problem rather than working hard to fake happiness while ignoring the real problem. For my experience, someday its just gonna blow up.

For me now, I realise I have homework and it's cool.

Be brave & Stay True, always, no matter how hard.
See You next Time!



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